Mating in Captivity is Esther’s journal on sex in relationships, the lack of it, and the issues that stem from it. Though limited to Esther’s personal encounters with patients, the book covers almost every common sexual frustration that couples face.
Even if you’re unmarried or don’t have a problem with intimacy, reading this book can teach you to avoid falling into some of the most common traps that can wreck even the healthiest relationships.
The Review
Mating in Captivity holds numerous real-life stories from Esther Perel’s sessions with patients. From young unmarried couples to husbands and wives in their 60s, there are so many different cases of sexual struggles documented.
Esther says getting too close to one’s partner nullifies any kind of want or desire. At the same time, when one part of the couple is involved in intermarital affairs, it crushes hearts. It’s hard to imagine how the same can happen upon the arrival of a baby, where one chore after another keeps the father and mother apart from each other.
Similar to this, there are so many more instances where we may feel sexually frustrated and unable to make sense of what happened to all the love and romance from years ago. This is when Esther suggests couples “work” and “schedule” lovemaking sessions to get out of the rut, despite the general connotation that scheduling love is strange.
The author also discusses fantasies and modern fetishes. Her concept of “inviting the third” can raise more than a few eyebrows. She says, “When we validate one another’s freedom within the relationship, we’re less inclined to search for it elsewhere.” This not only includes the presence of a third or fourth member, as in the case of threesomes or swingers, but also within the primary two—the husband and wife, in the form of fantasies, role plays, and other safer avenues.
The beauty of Mating in Captivity is how the message applies to most of the population, including people in homosexual relationships. We often avoid reading such books, saying to ourselves that nothing needs to be fixed and that everything is perfect. Even if it is correct, it’s still helpful to know how there could be problems and ways to overcome them when we are on the same road.
My Favorite Quotes from All About Love
“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”
It is absolutely incredible to think how complex our societal structure once was. We couldn't have survived without the support of our siblings, uncles, relatives, and friends. And now, we put all that burden and expectation on a single soul. How cruel lol!
“When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire. […] too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter. When people become fused—when two become one—connection can no longer happen”
It's natural to want to be together in everything, especially at the beginning of a relationship. However, as we evolve and grow with our partners, it is vital to spend some time away to preserve our individuality.
“You need two things in a marriage. You need the will to make it work and you need to be able to make compromises. It’s not hard to be right, but then you are right and alone.”
This quote from Esther's mother is universal. It doesn't matter which part of the world you are from; this will hold true. Nobody wants to be alone, so let's keep our opinions to ourselves, especially if it isn't to grow your relationship.
“Like dreams and works of art, fantasies are far more than what they appear to be on the surface. They’re complex psychic creations whose symbolic content mustn’t be translated into literal intent. Think poetry, not prose.”
Most of us freak out when we hear the word fantasy, at least in front of others. Yet, it would be dishonest to say we have never been intrigued by it. Esther talks about fantasies in a way we haven't heard before. Poetic indeed!
About Esther Perel
Born in Belgium, Esther Perel is a world-renowned psychotherapist who specializes in modern relationships and a New York Times bestselling author.
Being the daughter of Holocaust survivors, Esther differentiates the survivors into two categories, "those who didn't die, and those who came back to life." And then she emphasizes, “Those who came back to life were those who understood eroticism as an antidote to death.”
Among her honors include being named to Oprah’s Supersoul 100 and Forbes’ initial 50 Over 50 lists. Currently residing in the US, Esther also consults Fortune 500 companies on organizational affairs. She also speaks nine languages and runs a clothing boutique in Antwerp.
About the Author
Aswin Raghav is one half of Masala. He's futuristic, passionate, and calm hailing from a rather not calm metropolitan city in Tamil Nadu, India. Living for more than 4 years in an intercultural and interreligious relationship with a Colombian 16,000 km away, he has acquired a decent understanding of love, travel, and culture.
In his other life, Aswin has been a National-level Athlete, Marketer, and Sustainability Advocate with a bachelor's degree in Business. Thanks to his business program, he won a US Government scholarship to study Entrepreneurship for a year in the US.
Love, cricket, business plans, and a thousand miles later, he decided to start a community online to share his experience through Masala of Cultures along with the other half of Masala, Luisa.
Aswin's insights can also be found on other parts of the internet, including NVCC and SSR.
